when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
