it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
is that a dick in a sweater?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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