____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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