jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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