The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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