Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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