Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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