Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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