You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
