I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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