I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Randomize
