also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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