i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
