Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
