i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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