i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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