i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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