A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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