If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
