All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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