Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
