So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize