wrigley field is MILF paradise
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
