I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dignity is for republicans.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
