Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize