So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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