How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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