I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You can't special order awesome
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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