dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
