just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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