I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
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