She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
