Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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