Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
