Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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