Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
