What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
