Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
