so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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