i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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