i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
