Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
