as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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