I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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