naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize