I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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