She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize