what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
