Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
