I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
