Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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