people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Your penis caused this!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
