Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
