I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
