you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
