You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
