I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
