When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
