Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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