While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Drunk is not a location!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
