I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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