My balls are so social today.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
