i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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