I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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