when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
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