Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
