i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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